I gotta get out of my fucking head

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JB_rD81

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Everything has been good the last few days, been happy, haven’t had bad thoughts, haven’t been locked inside my head dwelling on shit I can’t escape from my past… today was a good day, sun was up, everyone is happy, then out of nowhere it did a full fucking 180 and turned into a fucking shit storm, everything is dark, I can’t escape what’s in my head, I can’t escape the fact that I’m a shitty fucking husband, probably end even shittier dad, and just a piece of fucking shit human in general… all I want to do is disappear, everyone would be ALOT better off without me around, and I can’t get it out of my head that I just need to be gone…

I know I need help, my wife tells me all the time I need help… I struggle to talk to people, I avoid change, put me in a room full of people I don’t know and I wouldn’t talk to one of them, I can barely talk to my wife. The words are there, I just can’t spit them out, doesn’t work… the meds help less and less and honestly sometimes I feel like I’m on the verge of a full on melt down
 
And as for getting outra your head,I cant help you, and I’m definitely not the guy that’s gonna say, you’ll get thru this,its ok buddy…blah blah blah, what I can say is I relate to what your saying and feeling,and it will move on, but we both know it will be back.I hope you can find positive in today,I’m glad you posted, hopefully the forum can bring some relief.
 
I know most of us can relate. I myself can. I notice I get discouraged the most when I miss gym days. Then some days the mess interrupts my gym days. Then everything seems to avalanche. You’ve been one of the few I’ve followed quite a bit since finding this forum. I’ve watched you overcome so much. We all have our days. Some last weeks. I’ve seen how much you care about your wife and daughters. You’re just being tough on yourself. We are our on worst critics.
 
I won’t claim a therapist solved my problems but he did help me to weed through my thoughts and to ask myself questions like why am I feeling like this. I still have these fucked up feeling and thoughts but I learned to slow them down enough to process them. A therapist may help, they may not. What do you got to lose?
 
Brother, I have read a number of your posts describing your mental state. All I can say is that man, have I been there–thinking about how much more good the millions of dollars of life insurance I have would do for my family than I do alive and hating myself for literally everything single thing that I am and have done. And the only thing that helps me in those circumstances is the recognition, which you clearly have, that all of that is BULLSHIT. It is self-created BULLSHIT, and you will see yourself aright again in a few hours or day or a couple days. Just know that it WILL pass and DO NOT succumb to the BULLSHIT.
 
You have a lot of support and love here brother. I have had thoughts of disappearing but then I imagine my kids individually how would they feel and how it would hurt them and who is gonna be able to replace the love that I have for them, NOONE!! As fathers we are irreplaceable. Your kids would be shorted big time so like @herrubermensch said it’s Bullshit!! No one will protect them or their heart or their mind like you can. So I hope you can get these lies out of your head soon. I know it’s easier said then done.

I am smoking short ribs today and was thinking about you BTW. Have a good day brother.
 
Hey brother I struggle as well and have been myself, I’m 34 with 4 kids and 2 toddlers and it’s wrecking havoc on my relationship. I struggle big time. I can shutdown and not talk to my wife for days if she pisses me off lol. But the whole time I’m sad and fucking angry confused. It’s tough being a dad and a husband somtimes I really just want to say fuck it and leave.

We have been doing couples counseling once every 2 weeks and I don’t know if it’s going to help but I’m willing to try.
Then I’m an addict and alcoholic so I work a twelve step program and have a network of people I can relate to which is nice but I fucking hate people and suffer mad social anxiety but I do it because it helps Even though I don’t like to do it most of the time. If it wasn’t for the program I wouldn’t last very long. I wonder if there are any self help 12 step self help groups that may help you, it doesn’t have to be for drugs or alcohol. They have all kinds of groups for all kinds of shit.
I Kno couldn’t do it alone. I’m just sharing what works for me. It’s hard seeing a brother struggle when I can understand their pain.

I hope you find some relief brother but harming yourself won’t solve anything but create more pain in the world.
 
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You sound exactly like me brother I believe that some of what im going to ask you about to help is very private im going to shoot you a pm but will talk here also for the community. @JB_rD81 brother you are definitely not alone I know 4 people going through the exact same issues and im one of the 4.

This happens especially when using compounds what are you running right now?

Look for my pm im sick and won’t be on much until tomorrow but I promise if you need anything tag me in please I can completely relate I shouldn’t say completely 🙃 lol smh
 
More people than you think are in a similar situation. I was driving my son to work the other day and literally couldn’t get any words out to Bs with him. I know it must be hard on him with me not talking much. He thinks that I am disappointed in him or something but I’m not. Like you I want to talk just nothing happens. Car rides with me are described by my kids like being in an Uber. Doesn’t make you feel good. I can tell you that atleast with my daughter it has gotten better. You’ve heard me say before, everyday is “work” . What can I try to improve on today. Make a small goal for each day. With one family member. Start small. I would definitely reach out for some professional help though. Like one of the guys said, can’t hurt. May take a few times to find the right therapist but you will find one.
I’ve lost 7 friends to suicide and I’ve come close to eating a bullet myself. The one thing that stopped me was not my kids or my family and the hurt they’d go thru. Selfishly for me it comes down to being a coward. With the exception of 2 friends that at a young age had just god awful cancer I remember thinking after each one, man what a fucking cowards they were. They took the easy way out and fucked everyone else in there life. I never want to be remembered as a coward or someone that put themselves first. So take a breath, refocus, re-engage , find some help and let’s fucking go to work.
 
Sorry all if I worried anyone, I had to hide out and get away from everything yesterday. My wife and I have been fighting, ALOT, and it’s starting to take its toll’s on my already fragile mental stability. I appreciate all the helping replies, they really did make a difference in things, just sometimes when the walls feel like they’re completely caving in, like yesterday, I lose myself in it…
 
This! I’m my opinion, long gone are the days where there was this negative stigma about seeing a therapist when you need help. It was extremely helpful for me after losing my father a few years ago due to a long battle with mental health problems.
 
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