Jesus Christ, I’ve got to get my fucking head right

[JB_rD81]

I’m not sure what’s going on, but the last month has been a fucking nightmare. My meds aren’t working first off, and I’m so fucking edgy I have to walk away from people all the time, my family included. On top of my meds not working, my oldest daughter has me so fucking full of anxiety over her getting a divorce and trying to raise a 2 year old and being broke and not knowing what she’s going to do, barely living paycheck to paycheck, yet she’s going on a vacation next week to Atlanta with a co-worker to just get away for a while… my youngest daughter lies, all the fucking time, about everything, and the scary part is, I don’t think she knows she’s doing it. She’ll eat a banana, throw the peel on the floor and when her mother or I tell her to pick it up, she’ll respond with “why, I didn’t eat the banana”. I want to slap the fucking taste out of her mouth and scream at her I JUST FUCKING WATCHED YOU… but I can’t, because we have to be sensitive with the baby in the family… I can’t even tell her to turn her fucking YouTube volume down without getting some kind of side eye glare from my wife. On top of the meds not working, and the anxiety through the roof causing little panic attacks I’ve found myself dwelling on all the bad shit I’ve done in the past, like thinking so long and hard about shit I did when I was a rotten fucking kid myself that it causes more panic attacks. I don’t beleive in midlife crisis, I think that’s an excuse for an easy way out of admiring fault or guilt, I’ve done some stupid shit in my 40 years and I’ll take 100% of the blame, but Jesus Christ, why am I thinking about it so much now?? None of it bothered me ever before! I gotta get my fucking head right, sorry for the rant, it’s not like I can confess to my wife or daughters that I’m a closet nut job…

 

[John]

Oh man buddy, I 100 percent Understand how feel, and I don’t let it out the proper way, except to alienate the people that care about me the most and withdraw from life and just go thru the motions. You been posting about issues lately and so have I, and I shit you not those days I get like that, I think about fucked up shit I’ve done and dwell on it, and then I feel sad or depressed about it, and it fucking sucks, but I’m with you buddy in spirit anyways, and on here.

 

[Dmomuchole]

Hey bro I feel you when shit gets crazy like that for me I have to remember to remind myself just breathe sometimes lol I remind myself I have no control over that shit, someone does and it ain’t me. Days when I feel like saying fuck it and walking away, I try to remember to practice some gratitude, gratitude I get to be a father, husband, son, friend ECT. I have a pretty big network from self help program that really checks my attitude and perspective. When I talk to one of my guys about the serious shit, halfway through the conversation we are busting up laughing. Anyways hopes shit get better, just remember," calm seas never made a skilled sailor" take it easy brotha.

 

[JLee]

I feel you bud. I have 3 girls ranging from 13 to 20. They all live at home. All they do is bitch and fight. All I can say is breath and walk away. It won’t solve your problems but it can help from making it worse. Don’t be afraid to reach out. Everyone needs to vent.

 

[Outlawthing]

Don’t feel like your the only one boss things are sticky for a lot of people right now just remember that as much as they make you mad they are still here with you

 

[Juggernaut]

Hey man, first off your not crazy!
Life really kicks us in the balls sometimes, it’s how we handle it that makes right for all the mistakes we made. Can never change the past, but we can learn, and alter our behaviors in the future.
You are in a tough spot, any and all means necessary to relieve that stress man!
If you are not getting the support at home, I’d strongly suggest talking with a skilled therapist, nice to have the unbiased view.

Stay strong man, one day at a time, and stand tall…you got this.

 

[JB_rD81]

Thank you everyone for the understanding words, it helps. @JLee, I feel for you, mine are 13, 21, and 25, and even though I love them with everything I have, sometimes I want to choke them!
It’s hard to talk about this shit at home, my wife is bi polar (diagnosed) as well as 2 of her sisters and her mom, and I’m pretty sure our daughters all are too, so it’s usually up to me to be the strong one. Sometimes it’s hard to be strong in that fucked up environment.

 

[NeuroRN]

While I can’t speak directly to the details of your situation… I know there was a time when I felt so completely out of control and angry etc. anxiety and crippling thought patterns that I would get stuck in over and over again.

Meditations- Marcus Aurelius
The Manual- Epictetus

Two books that changed/saved my life. These are actually the foundations of Cognitive behavioral therapy. I can’t make you read them, they are both super short. But I believe if you take the time to, they will benefit your mental peace.

 

[JB_rD81]

@NeuroRN, thank you, I will definitely check those out.

 

[JLee]

It’s very hard trying to hold your shit together when they’re pushing all the right buttons. I’d like to tell you that I always keep my cool. I can tell you from experience that no matter who starts it, you will always be the asshole if you get caught up in it. Stay strong brother. You’ve got this.

 

[Cluster]

I get you brother same shit here I try so hard but can’t please myself much less everyone else have you got any labs done?.
Ps my mother just came over and told my wife I’m a glutton during bulking time . What ever I only ate one meal yesterday

 

[JB_rD81]

I do need to have bloods done, but this is my head, it’s always been this way. I don’t hear voices or anything, or have multiple personalities, but I get shit stuck in there and even if it’s not true, I dwell on it so much that in my mind it’s absolutely 100% reality… I had a tele health checkup with my doctor 6 weeks ago and everything was ok, so no change to my meds, then not even 2 weeks later BOOM, everything goes to shit.

 

[John]

Feelin the same today buddy?

 

[Raphael3636]

Hey brotha, sorry your going through a tough time man, I totally know how you feel brotha, if you have the opportunity take some time and see a psychiatrist and or therapist. I probably wouldn’t be alive if it wasn’t for my docs. If you want brotha HMU via email if ya wanna talk more in-depth

 

[Cluster]

Keep pushing they will make room for ya, the world is big enough to handle you and your family

 

[JB_rD81]

@Raphael3636 thanks man, I’ll keep that in mind, it’s not always easy to talk to my wife, my two grown ass daughters or my 13 year old, and I would talk to my grandson, but he’s 2 and would probably just giggle and shit his pants.

@John, it was a pretty level day, work went smooth, which is odd for a Friday before I have to leave for a week for a shutdown, and for once I had little to no anxiety most of the day.

I’m going to rant a little, maybe more vent. I’ve got a lot of skeletons in my closet, I’ve done a lot of bad shit in my life, I’ve hurt a lot of people, I was reckless for years, I give in to temptation all too easily, I’m weak. All the bad shit, all my regrets and everything I wish I could take back, they slowly eat away at me… the times I’ve done my wife and family wrong cut me the deepest, there some other shit in there too that’s really fucked me up over the years. I watched my stepfather take his last breaths and die in his bedroom when I was 22, that sent me down a very reckless path of self destruction, alienating everyone close to me, drugs and alcohol consumed me and numbed my pain. My best friend was murdered over a woman, put on his knees and shot through the back of the head… there isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t wonder why god would take a guy like him, who actually did shit to help people, and leave a POS like me on this planet when for the most part all I’ve done is destroy what I love and hurt the people closest to me. Once again I found solace in drugs and alcohol and self destruction. I left my family for months on end working on the road because I couldn’t handle things. I’ve done things to my wife, some she knows about and has somewhat forgiven me and others she doesn’t, and if she did it would probably rip my family to shreds… I think that’s enough for tonight, I don’t need to drag myself deeper down the rabbit hole while I’m sitting at home alone.

 

[Rusty]

Hey brother we all get it man. One thing I have found is that almost all steroid users have had or currently do have other dependency issues. So your a duck in the flock here bro. I can say the same. Usually when drugs and alcohol are in the story so is death and infidelity and all kinds of bad shit. I am on my second marriage not by choice. Hopefully I learned from the first one and will practice what I preach. Sounds like a 12 step might help bro. You don’t need to be an alcoholic or drug addict to need a twelve step. You just need to have a bunch of shit up stairs cleaned out to need it. I did one years back and put all that stuff to sleep. Also you asked about bloods. Yes they can have a huge affect on your mood. I went through a time with high estrogen and it was like having a man period!!! Dreams and everything affected by it. Hope it helps. And keep bringing it if you need to. We all here to listen to you brother!!

 

[Cluster]

A new study has been released on the effects of anti depressants on lobsters, i know it sounds stupid brother but essentially it makes them more aggressive in attacking other males by making them more dogmatic about getting from point a to point b so it becomes a rinse and repeat rinse repeat vicious cycle to the point of death. Change your meds maybe brother

 

[JB_rD81]

I just put my oldest daughter on a plane to Atlanta for a week to go visit a co worker. She’s small, 5’ tall and maybe only 100 lbs at the most, she doesn’t look like she’s 25, or even act it! I told her before she walked into the airport “watch out for creeps and remember you’re never too old for dad to come hurt someone for you!” Other than my anxiety over that, today has been pretty decent. I worked out, squatted and DL’s, it snowed a little here, but is all melted now, and next weekend Iowa Football starts!

 

[Cluster]

Attaboy boy