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Dirtnasty this was ment to be pharmaqo cycle

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No not at all. It’s just been so long since I’ve felt the paternal head nod of disappointment… I thought I had ended my streak!
 
Did I hit third leg day this week no I sulked cause my buckeyes didn’t play. Ate wings pot roast and allergist breakfast hope to weight T about 260 tomorrow
 
I’m going to post this here for accountability. I relapsed over thanksgiving and basically didn’t sleep from wednesday through Saturday. It the best for making gainz. I honestly feel so lonely even when at the gym currently and struggling to make it day to day hoping that being back on will give me focus but If not I May have to take a long break from everything.
 
Shit man. I hate to hear that. I appreciate the nuts it takes to openly talk about relapsing.

Don’t know what else to say besides, get back up, flex in mirror, and get after it again.

On the other hand… i think it is wise if you can’t dedicate the effort to make the most of your cycle to step back.
 
It doesn’t matter how many times you fall, what matters is how many times you get up. If the gym isn’t giving you a little relief from all shit life is throwing at you then I would take a step back and regroup. Poor sleep will only compounds your problems. I hope you keep posting. I enjoy reading your log
 
A righteous man will fall seven times and still find a way to rise to get back up. With faith the size of a mustard seed you can move mountains. A couple of my favorite verses when I’m struggling. Look them up. Read up on them. They usually make me feel a little better.
 
I would suggest a self help group, one deals with alcohol and the other is for all drugs and it’s free lol if your like me you know one is to many and a thousand is never enough. Be safe.
 
I had to do group sessions and shit. They made me worse. I just wanted to do more drugs and stay fucked up. I talk to therapist. She showed me how crazy I really was. Just made me worse. Nothing worked until I prayed about it. I’m still not perfect and don’t really consider myself a good person. But that changed me and I’m a better person than I use to be.
 
I get that and statistically less then 1% of addict’s are going to stay clean and I’m all about bettering my odds and its proven fact people who attended NA or AA and live a life of recovery stay clean. If someone doesn’t have the gift of desperation then they will keep using. For me it’s jails, institutions and death. If someone isn’t ready to stop using they’re just going to keep getting high, at least that’s how it was for me. But I’m an addict suffers from psychosis when using drugs, I go to jail, live under a bridges and eats out of trashcans and puts drugs above all else, my kids and loved ones, so it’s conducive to my well-being I live a program of recovery.
 
I’m a little antisocial you could say. So the therapist and meetings stressed me out. Making me worse. I’m glad it’s worked for you and many others. I’m the type though if you tell me to do something, I probably won’t. The state pushed the therapist and meetings on me.
 
Sorry to hear man. I have some addiction issues as well and it’s always a battle. Have been clean for 6ish years now, but the temptation never fully leaves. It’s an active effort everyday to keep my mind out of the gutter. I purposely avoid as much toxic info and bullshit as I can and try to keep as positive as possible.

Wish you the best, and hope you find some help.
 
Well back I the gym did an upper body workout today I think i relapsed to show dad that living here isn’t what I need I had to prove it to him that he is an enabler. I left shot out for him to see and he never once confronted me or anything. Still won’t even approach the subject told the e final night I was using I wanted to talks all he said was go back to bed well talk in the morning. He didn’t raise me I actually had to raise myself as he was 8 hours away and my mom usually stayed in room with shut door dealing with her depression. So I may not have the finanavial means for move back up to better support but it’s something that has to happen
 
Damn dirt. That is rough. Definitely need to get back where you feel supported. Time to start selling plasma! lol

I feel like you’ve all of a sudden hit a hard wall mentally. You know I’m around if you need to let that shit out.
 
I believe that you need to take a break brother. We already lost a great bber to cocaine and testosterone. I won’t say the name because they have already said that it was something else and I would never speak bad about those who have passed away.

Please brother have you bit a meeting?

I myself am struggling with my medications and trying to find something that works without making me fat as fuck and also feel like shit.

I just called the hospital to figure out how to baker act myself voluntary.
If you need help brother you can just call 211 from anywhere and someone will always be there but also where always here for you and don’t want to lose anyone.
 
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