Dirts 2g of test test log

Yeah still struggling I think I’m going to try and find a first shift job even if lower pay I think it will be better.
 
Actullay hitting gym tonight at 11 hopefully that will help make me feel a bit better I have been able to get myself to go in. But I’m tired of being home and crying may as well be at gym squating and crying
 
When I lift sometimes I like to listen to music that I can feel in a positive way. I may get emotional and even tear up literally on a bench. But when I get emotional I get strong as fuck!! I love listening to music that gets me pumped but it’s often negative crap. But when I get emotional in a good way there is no comparison strength wise.
 
I can’t use headphones when lifting it distracts I’m over the speaker music person. Now when doing cardio that’s all I want it distraction
 
Juat emailed event promoter to take me
Off competitor list. I can barrels move 5 plates right now on bright side i can make gains again to get back where I was month ago quickly
 
I did 4x2 with 495 got to start back somewhere. Mid sets felt fine time off would have been good for body if I wasn’t shoving 14g s of coke at time in my system I’m scared but excited for my future at same time
 
Goig to go do chest today then sleep and work. May work Thursday now that I’m not doing met although I’m working Monday-Sunday 12’s thanks giving week May Eve find way to get
It to double pay for that Friday
 
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285 let’s see if I can get to 300 by New Years
 
I guess I should actualy start logging lifts again
Chest day
Incline 3x8-320,340x2 plan is to just do incline till I’m hitting 405 for 6-8 reps let my flat bench take a break. It’s weird not doing pause
Cable flyers 4x12-35x3, 30 had to drop weight last set pump was starting to kill forgot how higher reps work.
Dip pad pushdowns 3x15-145
Side raises 3x12 35
Hammer iso bench machine 3pps till failurex2

Felt great and you can see the pump was good today think I’ll pump up to 355 on inclines next week strength was there but endurance is lacking
 
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I got 4 more weeks to make it 20 then I’ll be off completely for 8 weeks before assessing when to start next cycle. Cause it was going to be leaning out type cycle but if I entered antihero meet we change plans of compounds
 
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Damn mofo your like me times two. I am on the same page as you in some aspects. If I could shake alcohol for good then my bf would be way lower and my build would be way bigger. Still working on it not giving up never giving up !!
 
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